Hope

Some days seem like the only purpose of the day is so we can sleep at night. Today has been one of those days. All alone in my apartment, too cold to go outside, and I’m feeling a little stir crazy. I know I’m not the only one this happens to, I mean, who wants to go outside when the temperature is below zero? Snow, as beautiful as it can look, is my own prison. I let it isolate me, I don’t go out for days at a time, all because of that pretty snow that falls all around me. When I am isolated I feel trapped, stuck, stagnant; and my life is spent eating, watching movies, sleeping, taking my dog out, and sleeping more. I hope that this time in my life will lead me to better places and make me a better person. I hope. I hope that tomorrow will be different than today; that my worries will ease with a good night’s sleep. So I’ll shut my eyes tonight and fall asleep, and before I even realize it today will be yesterday.

Iowa Winter

It's winter in iowa and the gentle breezes blow,
seventy miles an hour at twenty-five below.
oh how i love iowa when the snows up to your butt
you take a breath of winter and your nose gets frozen shut.
yes the weather here is wonderful so i guess i'll hang around,
i could never leave iowa 'cause i'm frozen to the ground!

{source unknown}

Lux's Sweet Symphony

Your caress against my neck, the intoxication of my soul, attaining a crescendo within my body.

Your kiss on my lips, the softness of your touch, the fervency encompasses our stringendo.

Our melodies intertwined, our embodiment kindled.

We feel a gentle rubato until the exaltation consumes us.

The look in your hazel eyes.

Sforzando...

Diminuendo...

Rellatanndo...

Staccato...

Kjærlighet <3


-Kait

You can do whatever you want
But you will be judged on what you choose
You can have what you desire
But you'll always fear to lose
You can believe convenient lies
But you'll never see the truth
You can love whoever you like
But you can't make them love you
You're better than this illusion
You mind is lost in a delusion
Only you can change your life
You have to fight to make it right

{Abbie}

Change

As the saying goes, the only thing that stays the same is things change, so why do we worry so much about the way things are? We change with every conversation, every situation, and every moment that we experience. We are forced to acclimate or get left behind in the shuffle of life’s changes. It is not easy to transition yourself so many times and try to adjust yourself to life’s setbacks, never knowing what is coming next. Change can be scary, it puts us in unfamiliar places and situations, and it can make you feel vulnerable and alone. Though we can’t predict when or how things are going to change, we can make the best of where it puts us. We must find and utilize motivation to keep us going, we dig to our deepest depths to find a strength we never knew we had. I guess my point is that although we cannot stop change, we can choose to pick ourselves up off the ground and make the best of it. Things will keep changing for as long as we are breathing, so instead of worrying about the way things are, we should embrace the present and be thankful for today.

The Misfits

The misfits.
the rebels.
the troublemakers.
the round pegs in the square holes.
the ones who see things differently.
they're not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.
you can quote them;
disagree with them;
glorify or vilify them.
about the only thing you can't do is ignore them.
because they change things.
they push the human race forward.
and while some may see them as the crazy ones,
we see genius.
because the people who are crazy enough to think they
can change the world
are the ones who do.
-Jack Kerouac

It’s so hard to know what direction to go in life sometimes, it is a never-ending battle between your mind and your heart. Emotions are unpredictable but so easy to get lost in, and your mind can get you in or out of anything. You try to be confident but you get tested and it can wear you down. Past experiences are haunting, sometimes they stay with you forever, but you try to move on. Love can be as painful as hate and it doesn’t seem right to me.

Abbie

Life Is A Trip

Life is a trip that no one chooses to take; we are born into it. What we can choose though is how we live the life we are given. Being diagnosed with depression has made my journey a struggle, but it IS worth the fight, it has to be. I have started reading a book called The Tibetan Art of Positive Thinking, and it is teaching me that I can take control of my emotions, and therefore my life. A quote from the book…

“Positive thinking is a skill to be learned and applied daily, in order to create a prosperous and fulfilled life.”

Choosing to be happy may seem impossible; it seems more likely that the events and circumstances in our lives are what make us happy, but this is not the case. The following is a poem I wrote a few years ago…

As I take a look around, most of what I’ve found is people living in strife; as though the last thing that is precious is life. What people don’t understand is we can all help each other succeed; if only we let love replace greed. It’s really not as hard as people think. There is no need to fear it, open up your heart and let love guide your spirit.

Abbie

Tis The Season...

I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays, and I don’t think I’m the only one. I love giving gifts, even though I can’t afford them, and I’m sure my credit card company loves me in return. (A)

Oh and who doesn't love being completely belittled by your extended family? "Oh hey Auntie Elsie! No... I don't go to church, I don't have a boyfriend/husband/children/career/success/etc, and I took 3 xanax just to have a conversation with you." Nothing like family to cure those winter blues! (K)

Another annoying aspect of family get-togethers is answering the same questions over and over and over. Everyone wants to know if you have a job and what it is, or if you’re in school and what you’re studying, etc. (A)

…and they want to know if/when you're getting married and why the last boyfriend didn't work out. Like, you really want me to tell you why my ex was such an asshole and all the misery that accompanied it? Really? Now? (K)

Then my family says that I don’t need a man, I’ll find him when I’m not looking, and I am a strong independent woman… If I had a penny for every time I heard those things, I would be a rich independent woman. (A)

So in these times of holiday peril just know that your dear friends Abbie and Kait will be taking plenty of existential cheap shots straight to the heart as well… Just remember, the more vodka in your drink, the better off you’ll be! (K)

Happy Fuckin Holidays!

Love,
Kait and Abbie

Walking Through The Fire

The following is something I wrote in April of 2008, a month after I moved back home...

What it comes down to, I guess, is that somewhere along the way I lost every bit of confidence that I ever had. I've lost the confidence that I had in my own judgment of others, I feel betrayed and trampled on and played by people I trusted and gave my heart to. And I don't know how to let it go, how to move on from the hurt and the anger. I think that is why I turned to drugs. Mainly pot, I smoked every morning noon and night, before school and work, after school and work, constantly. Then after *Mr. Smith* and I broke up, he had introduced me to coke and to the person I could get it from, and I started using that too. I didn't use it to go out and party, I sat in my apartment in my bed alone and tried to numb myself of what my life had become. I reached a point where I told my mom that I couldn't believe this nightmare was my life, and I still can't. I know that hate only brings ME down and it is unhealthy for a person who is already diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I just don't know how to stop it.

Now, in December of 2009, I am proud to say that my life is much different than it was when I wrote that. I have walked through the fire; not always gracefully, not easily, and I am sure it won't be the last time. Nonetheless, I have learned more about myself through the trials and tribulations in my life than I have learned through the peaceful times. I have found strength that I didn't know I had. The moral of the story, it really is how well you walk through the fire that matters most.

Abbie

Make It Right

You can do whatever you want
But you will be judged on what you choose
You can have what you desire
But you'll always fear to lose
You can believe convenient lies
But you'll never see the truth
You can love whoever you like
But you can't make them love you
You're better than this illusion
Your mind is lost in a delusion
But only you can change your life
You have to fight to make it right
Only YOU can change your life
You have to FIGHT to make it right.

Abbie

I'm sooo emo...

a little something like this...


framed and defined by fractious lines

who am I to preceed the abstruse convival I have recieved?

Oh please dear child you must venerate

I'd hate to see you all inspired with Kait.

Oh darling I must collude in actions far fetched and lonely as my mood



Jejune fantasies of my soul might make you full of coruption and bliss

Don't be fooled by my dolorous expression, I just can't get dismissed

I'll countervail your talent and gifts and subject you to a condescending kiss

I may lack vigor and force but I can't help but let my mind take its course

Deliberatley languid, it's the insatiable love-hate agon that drives my bid baby.


-Kait

Loss

You know how there are things and/or people in your life that you want to keep forever?  And how most of the time you don’t get to keep them?  I figure it must be a test of our strength.  Making the right decision is usually hard, whereas the wrong decision comes easily to us.  Losing what you love is probably the hardest thing a person goes through.  Letting go seems impossible, it feels impossible, and life turns into a whirlwind.  But throughout our lives we are plagued with these feelings of impossibility, where life seems like a mess that can’t be cleaned up. And then the night ends, tomorrow comes, and it all starts over again. It all comes down to the decisions we make, and though the easy choice is, well, easy, the hard choice usually gives us a strength we didn’t know before.

Abbie

Dear Tongue...

Dear Tongue, (Ode to tea)




I'm sorry that my temperature recognition hasn't been up to par when drinking hot tea/coffee lately. I didn't mean to burn you over and over...and over again. But that raspberry royale is so lux, it can't help but contribute to your ill firey fate. The way it burns my tongue and slides down my throat only to feel the steam broiling out of my mouth, and the smooth serene feeling of hot fuckin still spiced steaming tea. I better get her down your throat before it cools off but it feels nice when your vapors soothe over my soft red lips. I breathe you in like a menthol cigarette after a hard day. I feel you in my body, I feel you in my veins, that caffeine drags me into your unsatiable lair that can only be satified by you my dear, fucking bitter lover, raspberry royale and earl grey...



the cold will not untrifle your satisfactory feeling, deep in the winter blues...
 
-Kait

I am defined by the boundaries of my limitless imagination.  I travel in reverse trying to discover how to move forward.  I wonder if we will forgive each other, once we realize that total satisfaction is impossible.  And how can there be such a gap between how we see ourselves and the harm we're able to do?  It seems like we go from viewing our actions as totally innocent to blaming ourselves for everything.  We must value the imperfect; it is there that we see that which makes an individual unique.

Abbie

Depression

I know that I am truly blessed, and I don't understand why I'm still depressed.  I wish that I could make you see that I don't hold the key to unlock my misery.  The pain is lost in my head somewhere, and some days it's really hard for me to bear.  I don't know where to go from here and I don't know what to do.  I'm trying my best to get through this alone because I just don't know how to explain it over the phone.  I hate that you think I choose to feel this way, and I hope that you will understand someday.


This is not the last time I will discuss depression, it plagues my life every minute of every day, but I am going to leave it here for now.

Abbie

Our Long Awaited First Blog

It is Saturday night at 7:32 and I am watching the movie Julie & Julia.  It is a very cute movie and it has inspired me.  I want to write a blog.  However, I have nothing of interest to anyone else to write about.  Julie felt her life was meaningless, she was working a meaningless job, and she found a passion in cooking (with which I have zero talent).  I believe that my passion is working with children, and I am employed to do just that, though I don't seem to have much actual work to do as of yet.  So, I end up spending most of my time contemplating my life; what defines my life currently and what will become of my life in the near future and years after that.  My conclusions... no idea.  I haven't a clue what my life is presently, nor what it will become in the future.  I discussed this with my dear friend Kait and we decided that we DO have something to say, lots of somethings.  And that is how I ended up here, co-writer of this very blog.  It is no secret to those of you who know us that we are both recovering drug addicts, which gave us very unique experiences, and very unconventional ideas floating around in our minds.  So here we are, ready to share our madness with YOU! 
Abbie

Coming Soon!

We will be editing our profile and adding our first blog soon!

~Kait and Abbie~